Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Girls should come with a carfax report
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Houston, we have a squirter
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
