My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
