shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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