May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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