I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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