I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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