I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
