I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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