A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
