I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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