everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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