Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
