The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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