and you said cock pushups were impossible
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize