Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
