He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
There's always time for handjobs
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
