I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
