if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
