If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize