You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
