I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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