Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
