Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i barfeds in our rink
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
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