Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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