just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
