i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
