An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
