Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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