I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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