I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize