I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
