this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
