I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize