I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
