A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
