and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
