Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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