Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
