i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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