I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
