I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize