So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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