I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
