I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
