your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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