you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The air was thick with penises
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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