I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
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