he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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