Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
