4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
