She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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