I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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