You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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