My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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