apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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