He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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