I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
