Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I FOUND THE LEGS
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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