That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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