and you said cock pushups were impossible
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
40s are totally the cure
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
