I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
