God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
This toilet bowl is my home.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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